on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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