fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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