I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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