apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
