So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
