Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
