I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
