Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
