Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
