apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
