I smell stomach acid.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
