Im at strip club and am horny
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
