Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
