Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
