6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
