Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
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