Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
