her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
