Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
