is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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