I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
