my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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