Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
