Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
