Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
