My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
