Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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