i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He did a backflip because drugs
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
