I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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