I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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