it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
