Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
