haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
