Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
