so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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