I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
