I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
