remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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