All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
