Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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