I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
