I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
