So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
