it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
