he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
