his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let's get the cat blown out
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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