Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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