everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
