Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
