i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
