Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
