i used baking grease as lip gloss
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
