Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
