no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
