I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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