Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
