Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
