whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
