How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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