I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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