You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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