Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
