Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
