oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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